Preemie Premonitions

I was standing in front of a room full of people, presenting my latest project at work.  I was wearing tan pants and I looked down to see bright red blood soaking through them.  I tried to turn my body, hoped that no one saw it and continued on.  As quickly as I could, without being obvious, I finished up and sat down in the back of the room as the meeting adjourned.  Sitting back on my tail bone, not wanting any more blood to soak through.  I was supposed to meet with a small team next, so I wrote to the organizer who was sitting next to me.

I can’t meet.  I have to go home.

 

She knew me pretty well – considering I’d only been at the company a couple of months.  She whispered back to me, asking what was wrong.  I tried to not respond, but she was insistent.  Finally, I wrote again.

I am pregnant and I’m bleeding.  A lot.

 

I could tell she instantly regretted asking.  I sat in the meeting, watching the final minutes of the meeting.  As soon as the meeting was out, I positioned my notebook in front of my waist and rushed to the bathroom.  This was the third week in a row that I’d had bleeding.  I was 7 weeks pregnant and had already had two ultrasounds.  I knew something wasn’t right with this pregnancy.  As I observed the amount of blood and saw how much worse it was than the previous weeks, I tried to keep myself pulled together.  Untucking my shirt to cover my pants, and finding a pad to keep it from getting too much worse, I rushed to my desk and put on my coat.  My boss already knew I was pregnant, because I had to explain my pasts absences the two weeks prior.  I just simply said, “I need to go.”  He asked if I needed a ride.  I said no and was off.

I had already been to the doctor twice, so I knew the drill.  If I was miscarrying, they wouldn’t be able to stop it, so there was no point in going to the ER.  I went home and cried all night.  Kyle came home and held me.  I was positive there was no way I could still be pregnant with all the blood I was still losing.     I finally fell into a deep sleep, fatigued from all the crying.

As I slept, I dreamed in techno color.  In the dream, I was holding Kellen and we looked down at a baby.  A boy.  He was nearly bald, with fine golden hair, I couldn’t tell if it was red or blonde.  He looked much like Kellen had, but different.  His head shape was slightly different and there was something else.  I couldn’t put my finger on it – the baby was so still.  Something wasn’t right.  I had always felt he would come early, with the dream I knew he would…earlier than Kellen.

More than anything, I knew I was still pregnant.  I like to think I’m a rationale person and that a dream is just a dream, but I knew that dream meant something.  I was giddy on my way to the ultrasound the next morning.  I think Kyle thought I was crazy to be in such a good mood after being so certain I’d miscarried less than 8 hours before.  I nearly sang the words, “I’m still pregnant.  It’s a boy and I saw him!”  and I proceeded to describe the future Owen to Kyle.

As happy as it made me in the moment, that dream haunted me for the next 17 weeks of my pregnancy.  There was something wrong.  What was wrong?  I kept replaying the dream in my head, watching him to see if he was breathing.  I knew he would be born, but I wasn’t really sure if he was alive.

Only a few months later, I stood over Owen’s NICU bed with Kellen in my arms and I realized I was living the moment my dream predicted.  The dream left out the ventilator and myriad of cords, but there lay a very still baby Owen while I faked calm for Kellen – searching for signs to see if he’d live.

I’m not sure of the purpose of that dream; if it was a warning or a way for my brain to start working on the unimaginable events to come, or just an odd coincidence, but it seems I’m not alone.  I’ve heard of so many others who had premonitions…did you?  What did the premonition mean to you and how do you think doctors and patients should differentiate between normal pregnancy jitters and true intuition?

© Copyright Tatum, All rights Reserved. Written For: Ain't No Roller Coaster

15 thoughts on “Preemie Premonitions

  1. It is so weird. When we decided to get pregnant, I picked an OB/GYN that practiced at the best neonatal hospital in the area (and one of the tops in the country). The doctor’s office and the hospital were terribly inconvenient compared to a few other options I had. My husband asked why I chose such an inconvenience. I explained if anything happened I would never forgive myself for not choosing the best. The entire pregnancy, I followed every single recommendation made for pregnant women. My friends teased me saying that I didn’t need to be so uptight about everything. I told them the same thing I told my husband. If anything ever happened, I would never forgive myself. And then… something did happen.

    • I was like you, I had a dream of almost exactly what was to come. I had an I uneventful pregnancy until 2 weeks before I delivered my son at 26 weeks 5 days. My husband worked out of town, and in my dream- he was home for a long weekend. My son was born on Good Friday. My husband was home because of the holiday weekend. There were so many coincidences between the dream I had when I first found out I was pregnant and the actual events of my son’s birth, it stills gives me chill bumps to think about it. I knew that he was going to be born too soon, long before I ever started having problems.

  2. Like you, I bled. A lot. Throughout the first half of my pregnancy I had many trips to my dr and hospital knowing I had to have miscarried. Many days thinking this is it, it’s over. I had several large blood clots between the placenta and uterine wall and was told that I would most likely miscarry because they would cause the placenta to separate. When my dr finally saw that they were either dissipated or became small enough not to cause any more problems we breathed a sigh of relief . That lasted about 2-3 weeks. I don’t remember having a dream, but rather this strong distinctive feeling there was something terribly wrong and that if I carried my daughter full term she wouldn’t make it. It lasted for weeks. I told my mom the morning I got to 32 weeks I wasn’t going to make it, and she’d be early. That evening I went in to the hospital spotting and already dilated to almost 3 cm. For a week they pumped me with meds to hold off labor but eventually decided to just let her come. She wasn’t micro preemie, she was born the day I got to 33 weeks. But the moment she came out her chord completely ripped. The placenta did the same, and they had to dig piece by piece to get it all out of me because my body wouldn’t deliver it. We were told had she not been born early, the chord was so delicate and thin it would have snapped in utero and we would have lost her. I still shudder thinking about it. She’s had her own battles in the last year to overcome, though not the battles of a micro preemie. But I definitely know she is a miracle.

  3. I started bleeding at 9 weeks – leading to several trips to the ER. One night just before I went into labor at 22w, I had a dream I met my two boys. One was blue eyed, one had brown. They were very tiny and I remember being sad when they had to leave. They were born at 27w both with blue eyes that later turned brown. And I remember being so said when I had to leave them behind in the NICU.

  4. At 16 weeks I lost my marbles. I couldn’t think properly, I couldn’t work, I felt really strange. I knew there was something very very wrong. I went to the midwife, GP and consultant they all said I had anxiety and depression. I went to a counsellor who was quite spiritual and he did some healing work with me and said “what’s on your mind?” I said “my pregnancy is in trouble and there’s something wrong” he said “you are right I can feel something is wrong, trust it”. At 24 weeks I insisted on daily monitoring. I got my house cleaned, I bought big post caesarean knickers and I packed my hospital bag. The hospital had refused at first and I said “fine, but if something happens I’ll sue”. They agreed. At 26+5 the midwife said “there’s something wrong but I can’t put my finger on it. If you get a headache go to delivery suite” At 3 am 26+6 I went to the delivery suite. The following day at 27 weeks I had my baby.

    The consultant who delivered called me “doctor Kylie” because I’d picked up the severe pre eclampsia so quickly I had saved us both.

    I truly believed those creepy feelings saved my life.

  5. I didn’t have a dream, but when people would be surprised to find that I was not finding out gender, I would say I don’t care if I have a girl or a boy, I just want a baby. Typical reply to that would be as long as the baby is healthy right? And every single time, I responded, I don’t even care if the baby is healthy, I just want my baby… I think I knew all along that healthy would be the last term used to describe my baby.

  6. I had a strong sense of foreboding from very early in my first pregnancy. Every time I brought up what I “knew” but couldn’t find words for, I was told a) it’s probably nothing and no one checked or b) you know, women are so hysterical. At 26 weeks I called the doctors office repeatedly to say that something was very wrong and, again, this was dismissed. I insisted on being seen. What they saw was me in labor. The doctors and nurses turned gray when they realized that I knew plenty and they had missed it! Here’s the kicker–they told me to walk across the street to labor and delivery.

    In my second pregnancy, I was sick and spent 14 weeks on bed rest but I had a strong sense that my son would be safe. He was born at 35 weeks. My new doctor listened to everything and she looked for problems preventatively. What a huge difference that made!

  7. Hmm…I don’t remember having a dream, but when Jack was in the NICU and I kissed his head for the first time, it felt like a gesture that I had already done for the first time (deja vu-ish)…as if I had watched myself do it before, in a dream or vision. While my short pregnancy was somewhat uneventful, I never actually thought it would end with a baby. The whole time I thought something would be wrong with the baby, but it turned out something was wrong with me. As my mild preeclampsia symptoms kicked in, I started having strange and somewhat morbid thoughts. I distinctly remember thinking, “I don’t know if I really want a baby after all” and immediately felt awful for feeling that way. Jack was born just a few days later…proving to me that I really did want that baby after all. In some way, it was my mind responding to the illness spreading through my body, preparing me for his early arrival.

  8. Very, very interesting! I had no dreams but strong feelings of something being wrong for which I am still greatly upset that I didn’t push harder for my dr to look into. A month before I delivered something felt off, I just felt heavier/puffy but I didn’t have swollen feet,hands or face and I had gained about 3 pounds in week. Having had pre-e with my previous pregnancy I knew the symptoms, I called my dr he said to go to hospital. I did but my blood pressure checked out and I had no protien in urine & no obvious swelling so I was sent home. I felt relief yet still uncertain. My older sister insisted I was being paranoid since I had had 3 miscarriages and pre-e with previous successful pregnancy(put on bedrest @28wks and born @37wks). Two weeks after the hospital visit I began to have discomfort in my chest which my dr said was due to a growing baby & her position. Well the discomfort turned into excruciating pain that did not let me get any sleep in a week until I finally said to my husband that this was a notmal pregnancy symptom & drove myself to the hospital for a second time. Again my blood pressure checked out & the protein was minimual…so I was given meds for heartburn & ultrasound to check for gallstones. It took 12 hours before I would finally be told that I had HELLP syndrome and was transferred to a hospital with a level III NICU. I still struggle with guilt for not listening to my intuition more and anger because my dr didn’t take a closer look especially with my history…but I am slowly making peace with it.

  9. I, too, had an odd feeling about my pregnancy. Starting at about 16 weeks I began to push very, very hard to get weekly ultrasounds to monitor my cervix. I was told over and over again that I had no factors that would point to that happening and that the odds of dilating/cervix shrinking with my history were incredibly slim. Sure enough, at 20 weeks, I found out that my cervix was at a .8 and at 22 weeks I was dilated to 2 cm and admitted to the hospital. Even though I wasn’t having contractions, I knew I was slowly dilating the whole time when I was in the hospital, even though the medical staff told me that couldn’t be happening. Three weeks later I had my triplets, at 25 weeks, and at their birth was dilated to 8 cm, even though I hadn’t had a contraction in weeks. I had to resist the urge to say “Told you so” when I found out what was happening.

  10. OMG Tatum! Your dream and these other dreams!!! My son isn’t a preemie, but I had a dream about Tucker being delayed (although that wasn’t the dream word) before he was born. I had an amnio and was told he was fine. At age 2 1/2, I found out that he was delayed… WOW. Moms are magic.

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