Dear Nasal Cannulas,
Well, here we are…still. I wrote you that letter way back in June letting you know that I really appreciated all that you’ve done for me but this isn’t going to be a long-term relationship. I mean, I know we’ve been together longer than most, but I made it clear, this isn’t going to be a permanent situation. It’s starting to feel like we’re Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger’s Characters in Brokeback Mountain and you just can’t quit me.
Just to be really clear. I plan to quit you real good. Well, you know, as soon as the doctor approves it. Yep, I hear the word and you’re out the door. Or… at least in the backroom so you can be there in case I get sick and need your help. I won’t jinx anything by sending you completely away. (My mom’s really superstitious about these things.)
So, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I came up with an idea. You know all the stories of people in Hollywood having fake relationships for PR reasons? They aren’t really dating, but they pretend to date to improve their image? I’d like to suggest that we take that route. I don’t want to jinx myself by completely getting rid of you too soon (plus, the Pulmonologist thinks she gets a say in these things) I know you’d like to stick around with a hot number like myself for as long as you can, so for both of our sake, we’ll just pretend to be together for this last stretch.
Here’s how it’s going to work: When we know we’re going to be around the paparazzi (I really have to talk to Santa about that darn camera he got for my mom), we’ll act like everything is perfect.
Here we are looking happy as can be at the Playroom Premiere.
Maybe a little off-kilter, but we’re looking pretty great at this show of mine.
And I’ll even add in a few of those fake, “No, no, don’t take my picture” type poses (note that perfect placement, wink, wink).
But when the paparazzi isn’t around, I’ve got some other ideas for us.
This is a really good trick, because if people don’t look close, they might not even notice you’re only in one nostril. The fact that I’m pretending to eat…and making it look like I enjoy it, is an added distraction to what’s REALLY going on.
There is also the around-the-neck trick
Or, around-the-forehead (blurry shot, but the dang paparazzi got it with her iPhone. Those iPhones are dangerous for people in the public eye)
Another good one is, just-over-one-ear
At night when we’re sleeping, there are the platonic cuddles.
And then, for those moments when the paparazzi just can’t seem to stay away, I’ve always got this little number up my sleeve (dad mentioned that next time I do this, I shouldn’t leave personal artifacts behind – hey, I’m not even two!).
So see, I really think this is going to work. We’ll show up at the doctor’s office and any public outings looking like we follow the rules, but when I’m running the show…just feel free to keep your distance, okay?
Thanks, love-ya (note: that was not “I love you”, that has a very different meaning)
A note from the Editor: As Owen calls out, his mom is very superstitious about these things. It should be made very clear that the above thoughts are Owen’s thoughts and Owen’s alone. Mentioning life without nasal cannulas at some unknown time in the future is not reason to be jinxed with an illness that would set Owen back further and extend his time on nasal cannulas…so blogger jinx, stay away! Thank you.
A note from the Paparazzi: It should me noted that after taking pictures of the evidence of Owen’s transgressions, I’m always sure to follow the doctor’s orders and replace the cannulas in his nose. I’m one of those honest, paparazzi. Paparazzi jinx, also, stay away. Thank you.© Copyright Tatum, All rights Reserved. Written For: Ain't No Roller Coaster