Is this what “normal” feels like?

Sitting on the golf cart watching Kyle take his drive while I took a drink of my Leinies Honey Weiss, I had a vaguely familiar sense wash over me.  Almost a little de ja vu…like, I’ve been here before.

Of course, I have been to this small 9-hole golf course before.  It’s just a couple miles away from Kyle’s family’s cabin in Northern, WI.  We’ve often golfed there together;  taking time away from the family for just us.  In a way, these golf outings have all the elements of the foundation of our relationship; competing with each other, cheering for one another, swearing a lot and drinking beer (we met in grad school).  Regardless of the score (with which neither of us is ever pleased), I always look forward to our time on the golf course.

This weekend was the first time that we golfed together in 3 years.    The moment of de je vu that I felt while swiggng my beer wasn’t just because we were on a golf course we’ve visited before.  It was the way I felt. It was the way I was able to take a full breath and for a moment, say hello to (who Kristi calls) one of my former mes.

Or maybe, it wasn’t a former me, maybe it’s the present me.  The me, who hasn’t forgotten any of what we’ve been through, but who, like her son, is starting to breathe.  Real breaths.  Not short, sharp, constantly in fear breaths.  Deep, hearty, smiling breaths.

Yes, our weekend was filled with not-typical parenting things like nebs, a (non critical) allergic reaction to a kiss from peanut lips,  tube feedings, braces, eye patch battles (but not glasses battles, Owen popped out and hid a lens before we left so he could take a long weekend off…little stinker).

However, we also were able to enjoy the precious time with family. Really enjoy.  Fully present.  It was almost….I can’t believe I’m using the word…normal.  No, not our old normal life.  We will never be the same.  But…finally…it feels like we have reached moments of a new normal that aren’t so damn hard.

That’s what that de je vu moment was … a moment of not so damn hard.

This is what it looked like.

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© Copyright Tatum, All rights Reserved. Written For: Ain't No Roller Coaster

10 thoughts on “Is this what “normal” feels like?

  1. Oh I adore this post! I miss golfing, too. I think the last time my clubs were out I was pregnant with Boo. (The added weight helped my swing!). I am so happy that you had a nice afternoon to get back to being a couple. If even for only a couple moments. And the pictures? They are just precious!

  2. Oh that sounds wonderful, Tatum! Good for you. And yes, you will reach your new “normal”. I also agree with Kerri. Love the pictures!!

  3. Whether it’s because I so relate to your beautiful words because we had a weekend of “normal” and I remembered who I used to be (while being me, now, too, because I will also be forever changed) and remembering that feeling like ME was fun and that you remembered that too…or because of people in our world don’t get that peanuts and cashews on hands and lips is badbad, or because I’m totally in love with your photos…
    or or…
    I’m not a golfer but my first job was as a caddy (dangit another missed 80’s moment) and I remember the peace of the fairway and the green and the beer…
    Well, I suppose that ultimately, it doesn’t matter why I loved this so much and just that I loved it and I am so glad you had a long weekend with family and were able to take deep breaths along with Owen and experience peace and deja vu colliding with now you and then you and having them both appreciative and gorgeous and happy…
    Plus, hallelujah to being able to cheers all of the mes. And realizing they’re all the same.
    Love. Huge. Mongo. (but not the creepy mongo – the good kind only, I promise)

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