Sitting on the golf cart watching Kyle take his drive while I took a drink of my Leinies Honey Weiss, I had a vaguely familiar sense wash over me. Almost a little de ja vu…like, I’ve been here before.
Of course, I have been to this small 9-hole golf course before. It’s just a couple miles away from Kyle’s family’s cabin in Northern, WI. We’ve often golfed there together; taking time away from the family for just us. In a way, these golf outings have all the elements of the foundation of our relationship; competing with each other, cheering for one another, swearing a lot and drinking beer (we met in grad school). Regardless of the score (with which neither of us is ever pleased), I always look forward to our time on the golf course.
This weekend was the first time that we golfed together in 3 years. The moment of de je vu that I felt while swiggng my beer wasn’t just because we were on a golf course we’ve visited before. It was the way I felt. It was the way I was able to take a full breath and for a moment, say hello to (who Kristi calls) one of my former mes.
Or maybe, it wasn’t a former me, maybe it’s the present me. The me, who hasn’t forgotten any of what we’ve been through, but who, like her son, is starting to breathe. Real breaths. Not short, sharp, constantly in fear breaths. Deep, hearty, smiling breaths.
Yes, our weekend was filled with not-typical parenting things like nebs, a (non critical) allergic reaction to a kiss from peanut lips, tube feedings, braces, eye patch battles (but not glasses battles, Owen popped out and hid a lens before we left so he could take a long weekend off…little stinker).
However, we also were able to enjoy the precious time with family. Really enjoy. Fully present. It was almost….I can’t believe I’m using the word…normal. No, not our old normal life. We will never be the same. But…finally…it feels like we have reached moments of a new normal that aren’t so damn hard.
That’s what that de je vu moment was … a moment of not so damn hard.
This is what it looked like.
© Copyright Tatum, All rights Reserved. Written For: Ain't No Roller Coaster